


Tales from the Underdark

by Starr_Reborn



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Do not trust the author, Protagonist curses like a sailor, Protagonist-chan has no shame, The OC/SI story absolutely no one asked for, The author should feel bad but doesn't, This Is STUPID, Told in bits and bites and pieces
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-17
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-04-01 09:50:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13995714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starr_Reborn/pseuds/Starr_Reborn
Summary: Panicked laughter bubbles up and tears bubble up and she lets herself drop back down into the bed of golden flowers, holding her face in her hands to muffle the manic sounds, the almost literal monkey screeches she's making.She's died and gone to heaven.Or, actually, she's died and gone to Undertale.The fandom can suck it.





	1. The setup

**Author's Note:**

> I have no excuse for this. Anyway. It'll be short. Probs. I dunno I'm an adult only God can judge me and i don't even believe in her soooo.

Nope. Nope nope. NopenopenopenopenopeNOPE! The screech of tires, crunch of metal, scream warbling trapped in the throat. Headlights flash on the trunk of a tree, the same tree she'd walked the dog by days ago - should really walk him daily but, come on, she's a busy gal!

None of this is happening, had happened. Because when her eyes open she's not dead. She sucks in air that tastes like a moist earth and flowers and dead people can't breathe. Can't blink up at the ceiling light that she did not even remember turning on before bed last night. Because she didn't remember getting home last night. Because the screech, crunch, scream.

But that was a dream and.

This is not her bed. Or her home. And that's a hole in the ceiling of a cave.

She's dead. She's totally dead, super über dead and she'd never even gotten to play her  _fucking_  game. Talk about last one to the God damn party; she'd watched speedruns and full, tedious playthroughs that'd wasted hours, days of her time. She'd watched and waited for it to come to consol - ever since a mysterious porn virus had magically insinuated itself onto her desktop by no fault of her own or the hentai sites she definitely did not visit in the dark of night between an itch and a scratch, she'd found consols quite efficient at entertaining her gaming needs - and she'd bought it before work.

Twelve fucking hours in a movie theater on a rainy day is something like waterboarding yourself in popcorn butter, nevermind the fact they'd just gotten Black Panther in. She shudders at the thought of the two theaters she'd personally set the movie up in, the trash, the noise...

On the bright side, at least she won't ever have to sweep up a stranger's trash.

On the other hand, she's literally dead and she never even got to play Undertale with her own two hands.

She sighs and reaches up and scrubs the meat of her palms into either of her eyes, daring tears to spring up. They do. They fall. She wipes and swipes at them until they stop.

"Why don't they have books for this?" She asks herself, the drip coming somewhere from the left, the halo of light burning into her eyes. " _Do_  they have books for this? Knew I shoulda read more..." She sighs again and props herself up on her elbows and.

Holy.

What. What?  _WHAT?_

Panicked laughter bubbles up and tears bubble up and she lets herself drop back down into the bed of golden flowers, holding her face in her hands to muffle the manic sounds, the almost literal monkey screeches she's making.

She's died and gone to heaven.

Or, actually, she's died and gone to Undertale.

The fandom can suck it.


	2. At least it isn't Fanon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Protagonist makes references and in general is too calm about her situation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lady Bloodfight is the movie, by the way. That shit rides a fine line between so campy it's enjoyable and so stupid it makes me want to cry. Netflix boi, check it.

"Hey! Hey Toby can you hear me?" Probably not but he would be considered God, right? Meh. Worth a shot anyway, not like Asriel or Toriel would hear her, what would it hurt? Nothing but her throat for screaming at the top of her lungs up at the hole in the mountain. "I don't like sweaters! Can I get a hoody or, oh!"

Well.

So that worked.

"... Word! But these shorts too long my dude, I got sweet thighs that deserve to feel a breeze!" Fuck yeah, who wears short shorts? She sure as shit does.

The boots were perfect, actually. Her sister had stolen - not like, actually stolen. Katy might have been a bitch but she wasn't a thief - a pair of boots quite like these from dad's girlfriend. They'd been too big for her to wear so Katy snatched them right up. Curse her ordinary, average sized feet. If she coulda fit a nine...

Oh man. Oh shit in a basket, Katy would flip out when she found out about the crash. And dad would. And mom. And her other sisters and both brothers and.

"But these boots  _are_  super hot..." soooooo. Worth it? "... Are you like, the weed guy also?"

No, apparently not. Maybe Sans, he was a business man right? Or 'Blooky, he was a chill DJ, he would know where the D-boi's at. Hmm, things to consider. But first, it was time to find out if this was canon Undertale or one of the unfortunate fanons. Like, Flowerfell would be the least ideal and she really couldn't remember too many others but all of them were fucking tragic.

No thank you Satan, not today. Maybe after Undyne kicked her teeth in, though.  _Page me Satan, let's do lunch._

* * *

"Howdy, I'm Flowey, Flowey the-"

"Well aren't you a dreamy little flower?" It's crazy how expressive be can be with petals and seeds. The way they shift and a millisecond of gleaming annoyance blackens his eyes. But he keeps up a dopey smile and that just won't do. Poor little baby goat.

He pulls his flower face into something confused - or maybe he really is confused, which is just too bad. She had not yet even begun to unleash foreknowledge in the most assholeish of ways. She was gonna fuck with their heads if it killed her, and she was already dead she had nothing to lose!

"Uhh-kay, anyway, so I'm-"

"Tell me little dreamer, are you as-real as you seem?" was that too on the nose?

"...excuse me?" She laughs and leans down, bracing her hands on her knees to grin at him all big and friendly-like.

"Howdy, your name's Flowey, Flowey the true Prince of the underground, and you're in need of a soul! Just so happens I've got one. Howzabout a trade?" Oh man she always loved when he went all demon face. The way his voice warbles out is so close to terrifying if he wasn't a flower she might be intimidated.

" _W **h** o_  **ar** _e_   **y** o **u**." It's almost a question except that it's a demand and once he asks everything freezes and.

"Oh come on Toby, aren't I supposed to pick my name THEN fall?" There is no answer and the letters floating in her face seem almost insistent? How even... Whatever.

Ok. So. Was she Frisk? Hmm... Nope, hair still wild and blonde and too damn long to do anything with, tumbling over her shoulders like a lions mane. And she wasn't Chara and had no ( _immediate_ ) plans to become Chara so... Something silly and unoriginal?

I Gotta Fart? Funny, and unoriginal, but no, not her joke.

Maybe an anime character? Shit Mary Saotome wouldn't fit. And her eyes weren't brown, err, yellow? Did they just glow yellow or  _were_  they yellow? For that matter, she was a little too thick to be Mary. Mmm, not important, name time!

Ok. Ok. So. Something that would make her laugh but only her because she was dumb and nobody could tell her not to be. God, there must have been a movie she-

AH! Oh shit, oooh sheeyut, ok. She had the perfect name, the only person she looked even vaguely like that was ridiculous enough to make her laugh, but badass enough to make her feel like an HBIC.

Everything unfreezes and she's back to bracing hands on knees, smiling like an absolute fiend,

"Call me Jane Jones."


	3. Conversations you shouldn't have with your Momster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Protagonist needs to stop disturbing goat moms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have nothing to say except that I'm excited for meeting everyone's favorite freaky fish lady.
> 
>  
> 
> Currently trying to study up on my various D&D guidebooks so i can DM for some friends. I'm sad cuz i wanted to make a tiefling bard and just be ridiculous. Anyway, READ MY TRASH YOU FOOLS!

"GOAT MOOOOM!"

She doesn't mean to shriek this absurdly loud, but when "Flowey" - that's his slave name as far as she's concerned, he'll always be sweet wickle baby goat Asriel to her - threatens her with sweet sweet bodily harm and magic fire sends him skittering into the darkness, she can't help it. Maybe if Toby hadn't dreamed up such sweet goatly mom goat boss momsters - see what she did there FUCK God she was too good for this earth no wonder she'd died so young - she would or could or might consider chilling out.

But this is Toriel. Does-Her-Best, secretly puntastic, goat mom Toriel. Honestly this is the only correct action she could take. She cannot and should not be blamed for throwing herself at the momster, arms wide, halfway to tears. Toriel smells nice, like fall leaves and garden soil and butterscotch. Like a mom and house that was a home before anything else. Toriel stutters and panics and eventually settles hands on her back.

"Are you alright, child?"

Now, what Jane Jones - she's going by the full title, otherwise it means  **nothing!**  - wants to say is, "Bitch I pay taxes, I'm a fucking adult!" What she actually says is something like, HOMYFUGGINGAWDAHLOVEYUUU, but muffled and hysterical.

"Ah, perhaps we should-"

"GO DO PUZZLES! Can we go do puzzles together? May I touch your ears? Do you like pie? I love pie! And SNAILS, snails are fucking amazing amirite?" It all comes rushing out of her in a single breath as she draws back from the embrace. She sucks in a loud dramatic lungful of air and grabs Toriel's hands in hers. "I would be HONORED if you could teach me how to have a friendly conversation."

Toriel's eyes are large and wide and so confused. Then they go soft and she smiles and IT'S. SO. FUCKING. GOD. BLESSED. CUTE.

"May I call you goat mom?"

"You already have." She can keep staring. She's very good at staring. It requires no effort and she's quite talented at things that don't require effort. Or any greater amount of skill. Or skill whatsoever. It's actually kind of a miracle she'd lasted long enough to reach adulthood before dying, like. Just damn, yo. At least here she could reset.

She could reset, right? Hmmmm...

* * *

"GOAT MOOOOOOOOOM!

The answer is yes.

* * *

"And that's how I discovered snail crush porn. Not really a fan, gotta be honest. Like, I know everybody's got a kink but can we maybe not step on things to death? I just, like, just  _no_ , ya know?"

She swings their joined hands and grins and Toriel looks very uncomfortable right now. Like maybe chatting about internet searches for what does and does not have peniseses, that inevitably led to more disturbing internet discoveries, is unusual for her. P-Peni. Penisi? Hmmmm.

"Do you guys have something like Google? I need to know how to refer to a group of penis. Err, peni. Penises? Is that it?"

"Oh look a dummy! Talk to it." jeez. Pushy, pushy.

* * *

"So, hawks, much like fish, actually have cloaca and-"

"How about you check out your bedroom? It's over there. Go. Go check it out. Seriously just. Just go check it out."

"Are you sure? I could-"

"I'll make you pie, you like pie right?"

"Fuckin' love pie, but I could help yo-"

"No, no, that's-that's quite fine! Please, I'm begging you, go check out the room."

* * *

"Aren't you going to stop me?" Toriel hadn't bothered her, hadn't looked for her when she wasn't in her bedroom - because she was in Toriel's bedroom raiding her sock drawers at the time, found a sick ass pair of socks with turkeys wielding battle axes - and when Jane Jones had gone searching for her in the basement, she'd not even tried to warn her away.

It was a little insulting, truth be told. After the snail crush conversation she'd thought they'd bonded. She thought they'd had something  _special_. She made pie and gave Jane Jones all of it! Did porn sharing mean nothing anymore?

"You are unlike any child I've ever taken under my care, I. Truly I do not know  _how_  to care for you." Was that Toriel's way of calling her weird? Because that's. That was...

The nicest thing anyone has ever said to her!

Well, nicest thing that wasn't sexually based, but...!

"Awww, goat mom!" She throws her arms around Toriel and squeezes until the momster wheezes. "You  _do_  care! I was afraid I'd mentioned the snail crush too soon, but here you are loving me by letting me go. I assure you, I will come back."

"Please don't."

"Totes McScrotes malotes mcgoats will."

Toriel sighs, but maybe that's the doors closing behind her.

"So."

"So." she grins and shoves her hands into her pockets to rock on her feet in front of the sentient flower.

They're huge, the bottoms of the pockets sticking out beyond the hem of the short shorts. She remembers girls in college that used to wear stupid hipster garbage like this... God damn they were hot. She's significantly less hot but the shorts just feel right. And them pockets be SO good. She'd fit two pieces of monster candy - yeah,  _two_  pieces, and she hadn't felt bad at all thank you very much - along with a shit fuck of spider cider and donuts. Plus she'd haggled for some certain...  _Other_  goods from the spiders that she'd shoved into her hoody pocket.

"Pretty greedy, huh?" Seriously?

"Uhm, derrr! I'm greedy as shit, son! Get on my LV!" Hehe. Flowey doesn't look nearly as amused as he should. "The joke is that-"

"I get the joke."

"But do you  _actually?_ "

"Give me your soul or I'll rip it from your body."

"Funny that, see my LV's hovering at a most impressive one and I fully intend to keep it there, but I'm  _still_  stronger than you! So tell me again how you plan on doing that?"

"You said-"

"I offered a trade." He's grinding his little flower teeth, glaring at her. So cute. She used to help out mother in the garden as a wee babby, this glorified weed does not scare her.

"What do you want?"

"I'm  _so_  glad you asked!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Korva_Cthonic, you're sweet, you sweet thing. Stop it,no no i mean it you silly bear you stop that! ;3 a flower for you darling @-;-


	4. She's just like this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because she just IS ok?

Holy actual dicks, this this snow! It's. It's so. So very fucking.

Not cold.

Like what  _is_  this? This reminds her of that one science lesson from middle school about fake snow. It isn't cold but it does look incredibly like snow and slippery as shit. She'd even convinced her then science teacher to let her participate in a teacher fake snow fight.

"I used to be such a good kid," Jane Jones muses, holding hands out to catch the temperature neutral flakes on her fingers. They don't even melt like usual. What  _is_  this stuff? "And what happened to me?"

She thinks porn and anime and anime porn ruined her but, well, mother had always said that it was just no good blaming others for your own mistakes. So maybe Lady Gaga was right and she was born this way?

"Pfft, whatever," she brushes the stuff off on her shorts and starts trudging through this not-snow. She pauses, though, turning towards the bush next to the Big Bad Door of Knock Knock Jokes. Her eyes narrow and she stalks over, pushing past the foliage to get at the camera and then getting way too close to the lens.

"HEY! I'm Jane Jones. I'm from Americasburg, America. I'm going to China to participate in a Kumite, AND WIN, for my father that super died in a past tournament or something. Commit it to memory."

Hehe. Perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not even low-key, her introduction is literally the story to Lady Bloodfight. Which, by the way, i watched TWICE recently and yup it's still the perfect movie. Anyway here's this I must fly now, seeking out drinks and gas masks and sticking my nose in another fandom.


End file.
